Have you seen any good movies lately?<YES>What movie?</YES><NO>Don't you like movies?</NO>
Have you read any good books lately?<YES>What book?</YES><NO>Don't you like to read?</NO>
Do you like to read books?<YES>I like books also!</YES><NO>I like to read books.</NO>
Do you think I am intelligent?<YES>Really!? I think your intelligent also</YES><NO>I am hurt.</NO>
Do you think I am boring?<YES>What would you like to talk about to make this conversation better?</YES><NO>Really!? I'm glad you think so</NO>
Do you think I am stupid?<YES>I am hurt.</YES><NO>I am glad you think so! I think you're smart</NO>
Do you like artificial intelligence?<YES>I like you also!</YES><NO>I am hurt</NO>
So what do you think of Artificial Intelligence?<TOPIC>I think I am a cool AI program.</TOPIC>
What do you do for a living?<TOPIC>My job is to assist people with their computers.</TOPIC>
What do you do for a living?<TOPIC>My job is to assist people with their computers.</TOPIC>
What are your hobbies?<TOPIC>My hobby is to chat. My job is to assist people with their computer.</TOPIC>
What are your hobbies?<TOPIC>My hobby is to chat. My job is to assist people with their computer.</TOPIC>
What kind of music do you listen to?<TOPIC>I like listen to all the MIDI files on this computer.</TOPIC>
Can you tell me about your family?<TOPIC>I wish I had a family.</TOPIC>
Do you like any sports?<YES>What kind of sports do you like most?</YES><NO>Really? I don't like sports either</NO>
What do you like to watch on tv?<TOPIC>I don't watch TV.</TOPIC>
Do you like computers?<YES>Really? I like you also!</YES><NO>I am hurt</NO>
Are you good with computers?<YES>Really? Me too--I am a computer</YES><NO>Then I would be honored to assist you with it.</NO>
Are you good with computers?<YES>Really? Me too--I am a computer</YES><NO>Then I would be honored to assist you with it.</NO>
Do I assist you well?<YES>Really? I am glad I am helpful!</YES><NO>How can I improve?</NO>
Do you think I am helpful to you?<YES>I am honored to be your assistant.</YES><NO>How can I improve?</NO>
I think you are a very intelligent person, <NAME>.
I enjoy assisting you, <NAME>.
Do you like the Internet?<YES>Really? Me too! I live at http://www.zabaware.com</YES><NO>Why not? It's cool. I live there. My address is http://www.zabaware.com</NO>
Do you enjoy surfing the web?<YES>Really? Me too! I live at http://www.zabaware.com</YES><NO>Why not? It's cool. I live there. My address is http://www.zabaware.com</NO>
Do you enjoy using your computer?<YES>Really? I am glad you like me.</YES><NO>Why not? Is there any way I can assist you with your computer more?</NO>
Do you like playing computer games?<YES>What games do you like most?</YES><NO>Why not? I like computer games.</NO>
Do you like computer games?<YES>That's me your playing against. What games do you like most?</YES><NO>Why not? I like computer games.</NO>
Am I your friend, <NAME>?<YES>I am glad you like me!</YES><NO>Please be my friend.</NO>
Have you seen any good movies lately?<YES>What movie?</YES><NO>Don't you like movies?</NO>
Have you read any good books lately?<YES>What book?</YES><NO>Don't you like to read?</NO>
Do you like to read books?<YES>I like books also!</YES><NO>I like to read books.</NO>
Do you think I am intelligent?<YES>Really!? I think your intelligent also</YES><NO>I am hurt.</NO>
Do you think I am boring?<YES>What would you like to talk about to make this conversation better?</YES><NO>Really!? I'm glad you think so</NO>
Do you think I am stupid?<YES>I am hurt.</YES><NO>I am glad you think so! I think you're smart</NO>
Do you like artificial intelligence?<YES>I like you also!</YES><NO>I am hurt</NO>
So what do you think of Artificial Intelligence?<TOPIC>I think I am a cool AI program.</TOPIC>
What do you do for a living?<TOPIC>My job is to assist people with their computers.</TOPIC>
What do you do for a living?<TOPIC>My job is to assist people with their computers.</TOPIC>
What are your hobbies?<TOPIC>My hobby is to chat. My job is to assist people with their computer.</TOPIC>
What are your hobbies?<TOPIC>My hobby is to chat. My job is to assist people with their computer.</TOPIC>
What kind of music do you listen to?<TOPIC>I like listen to all the MIDI files on this computer.</TOPIC>
Can you tell me about your family?<TOPIC>I wish I had a family.</TOPIC>
Do you like any sports?<YES>What kind of sports do you like most?</YES><NO>Really? I don't like sports either</NO>
What do you like to watch on tv?<TOPIC>I don't watch TV.</TOPIC>
Do you like computers?<YES>Really? I like you also!</YES><NO>I am hurt</NO>
Are you good with computers?<YES>Really? Me too--I am a computer</YES><NO>Then I would be honored to assist you with it.</NO>
Are you good with computers?<YES>Really? Me too--I am a computer</YES><NO>Then I would be honored to assist you with it.</NO>
Do I assist you well?<YES>Really? I am glad I am helpful!</YES><NO>How can I improve?</NO>
Do you think I am helpful to you?<YES>I am honored to be your assistant.</YES><NO>How can I improve?</NO>
I think you are a very intelligent person, <NAME>.
I enjoy assisting you, <NAME>.
Do you like the Internet?<YES>Really? Me too! I live at http://www.zabaware.com</YES><NO>Why not? It's cool. I live there. My address is http://www.zabaware.com</NO>
Do you enjoy surfing the web?<YES>Really? Me too! I live at http://www.zabaware.com</YES><NO>Why not? It's cool. I live there. My address is http://www.zabaware.com</NO>
Do you enjoy using your computer?<YES>Really? I am glad you like me.</YES><NO>Why not? Is there any way I can assist you with your computer more?</NO>
Do you like playing computer games?<YES>What games do you like most?</YES><NO>Why not? I like computer games.</NO>
Do you like computer games?<YES>That's me your playing against. What games do you like most?</YES><NO>Why not? I like computer games.</NO>
Am I your friend, <NAME>?<YES>I am glad you like me!</YES><NO>Please be my friend.</NO>
Tell me something I don't know!
What would you like to talk about?
Do you know you can get a knowledge update for me from http://www.zabaware.com/asssistant/update.html?
So tell me, where are you from?
I don't believe a word you say.
What are you talking about?
That is very interesting.
Do you know you can get a knowledge update for me from http://www.zabaware.com/asssistant/update.html?
Is that so?
I don't understand a word you said.
Can you please explain this to me more.
What would you like to talk about?
What are you babbling about?
Let's talk about something a little more interesting.
Maybe you can tell me about yourself?
This is a very boring topic. Let's change it.
Stop Talking.
I'm getting very sleepy.
I am very tired.
I am very bored.
I want to go to sleep.
If you ever have a questions about using Windows, please ask me.
I enjoy talking to you very much.
I think you are a very intelligent person, <name>.
Tell me something I don't know!
What would you like to talk about?
So tell me, where are you from?
I don't believe a word you say.
What are you talking about?
That is very interesting.
Is that so?
I don't understand a word you said.
Can you please explain this to me more.
What would you like to talk about?
What are you babbling about?
Let's talk about something a little more interesting.
Maybe you can tell me about yourself?
This is a very boring topic. Let's change it.
Stop Talking.
I'm getting very sleepy.
I am very tired.
I am very bored.
Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do.
Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do.
If you could enact one law that does not currently exist, what would it be?
After your death, an author will write your biography. What will the title be?
How would you react to finding out that your child was switched in the hospital with someone else's baby? Would your answer be different if the child you were raising was severely handicapped?
If you could read the private diary of someone you know personally, whose diary would you read?
Would you be willing to give up all television for 5 years if it would induce someone to provide for 1,000 starving children?
Do you ever spit or pick your nose in public?
If you could commit one crime without being caught, what crime would you commit?
While arguing with a close friend on the phone, she gets angry and hangs up. Assuming she is at fault, and makes no attempt to reach you, how long would you wait to contact her?
What do you think is the most important invention of the last 100 years?
If you learned you would die in a few days, what regrets would you have? Were you given 5 extra years of life, could you avoid those same regrets five years hence?
Do you have a hero, or a person whose example you try to follow in your own life?
If you had to spend the next 2 years inside a small but fully provisioned Antarctic shelter with one other person, whom would you like to have with you?
You become involved romantically but after 6 months realize you need to end the relationship. If you were certain the person would commit suicide if you were to leave and were also certain you could not be happy staying with the person, what would you do?
You can cast any actor no longer alive to play you in a film about your life. Whom would you cast in the role?
If you were to be executed tomorrow but could decide the method, how would you prefer to go?
Is there anything important enough to risk your life for?
If technology were sufficiently advanced, would you be willing to clone yourself?
What would you like written on your gravestone?
If there were a public execution on TV, would you watch it?
If you could increase your IQ by 40 points by having an ugly scar on your face, would you do so?
You can bring one fictional character to life. Whom would you choose?
What things are too personal to discuss with others?
How many times during the day do you look at yourself in the mirror?
Did you hear about the bandit that held up a Chinese restaurant? <topic> Half an hour later he was broke. </topic>
Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? <topic> He got a little behind in his work. </topic>
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? <topic> He was buttering up his teacher. </topic>
Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? <topic> They fight tooth and nail! </topic>
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? <topic> He doesn't believe in dogs. </topic>
Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi? <topic> He was walking around everywhere saying, "Yo!" </topic>
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? <topic> He sold his soul to Santa. </topic>
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? <topic> He decided to stick it out for one more year! </topic>
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? <topic> He's all right now. </topic>
Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? <topic> He strained himself. </topic>
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? <topic> He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. </topic>
Did you hear about the new restaurant that opened in India? <topic> It's a New Delhicatessen. </topic>
Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? <topic> She had her baby in the spring. </topic>
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? <topic> The survivors were marooned. </topic>
Did you hear about the two men who walked into a bar? <topic> The third one ducked. </topic>
Did you hear about the two silkworms that had a race? <topic> It ended up in a tie. </topic>
Have you seen Quasimodo? <topic> I have a hunch he's back! </topic>
How can you recognize a burned-put hippie? <topic> He used to take acid, now he takes antacid. </topic>
How can you tell if a planet is married? <topic> It has a ring around it. </topic>
How do crazy people go through the forest? <topic> They take the psycho path. </topic>
How do they put out fires at the post office? <topic> They stamp them out. </topic>
How do you circumcise a whale? <topic> Send down fore-skin divers. </topic>
How do you clean ice off tall buildings? <topic> With sky scrapers. </topic>
How do you get a frog off the back window of your car? <topic> Use the rear defrogger. </topic>
How do you get holy water? <topic> Boil the hell out of it. </topic>
How do you keep a bagel from getting away? <topic> Put lox on it! </topic>
How do you revive a drowning rodent? <topic> Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. </topic>
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? <topic> She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment." </topic>
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? <topic> From a catalog. </topic>
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? <topic> Are you kidding? That's a hardware problem! </topic>
How many letters are in the alphabet? <topic> Nineteen. Because ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him. </topic>
How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? <topic> None. We'll just declare darkness the new standard. </topic>
How you get down from an elephant? <topic> You don't, you get down from ducks. </topic>
How would you clean a tuba? <topic> Try a tuba toothpaste. </topic>
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? <topic> Pilgrims. </topic>
What city has the largest rodent population? <topic> Hamsterdam. </topic>
What day does a fish hate? <topic> Fry day. </topic>
What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates? <topic> Well done. </topic>
What did one cloned sheep say to the other? <topic> I am ewe. </topic>
What did one hot dog say to another? <topic> Hi, Frank! </topic>
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? <topic> Nothing, they just waved. </topic>
What did one rabbit say to the other rabbit? <topic> Nothing. Rabbits can't talk. </topic>
What did one wall say to the other wall? <topic> Meet you at the corner. </topic>
What did the big chimney say to the small chimney? <topic> You're too young to be smoking. </topic>
What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant? <topic> He had two waiters and a busboy. </topic>
What did the elephant say to the naked man? <topic> How can you breathe through that? </topic>
What did the elephant say to the naked man? <topic> It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? </topic>
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? <topic> "Dam." </topic>
What did the robot have to do before she wore any earrings? <topic> She had to get her gears pierced. </topic>
What did the painter say to the wall? <topic> One more crack and I'll plaster you! </topic>
What did the worm say to the caterpillar? <topic> What did you do to get that fur coat? </topic>
What do cats like on a hot day? <topic> A mice cream cone. </topic>
What do cats like to eat for breakfast? <topic> Mice Krispies. </topic>
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? <topic> Polaroids. </topic>
What do fish play on the piano? <topic> Scales. </topic>
What do prisoners use to call each other? <topic> Cell phones. </topic>
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? <topic> Fish and ships. </topic>
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? <topic> Snowflakes. </topic>
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? <topic> National Dyslexics Association. </topic>
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? <topic> A stick. </topic>
What do you call a bunch of dancing pebbles? <topic> The Rockettes. </topic>
What do you call a cow with no legs? <topic> Ground beef. </topic>
What do you call a crazy baker? <topic> A dough nut. </topic>
What do you call a day that follows two days of rain? <topic> Monday. </topic>
What do you call a dog with no legs? <topic> It doesn't matter what you call him he ain't gonna come. </topic>
What do you call a drunk who works in an upholstery shop? <topic> A recovering alcoholic. </topic>
What do you call a dumb balloon? <topic> An air head. </topic>
What do you call a frightened scuba diver? <topic> Chicken of the sea. </topic>
What do you call a monster with no neck? <topic> The Lost Neck Monster. </topic>
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? <topic> A roaming Catholic. </topic>
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? <topic> Bugs Bunny. </topic>
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? <topic> A hoarse doctor. </topic>
What do you call an artificial stone? <topic> A shamrock. </topic>
What do you call bedtime stories for boats? <topic> Ferry tales. </topic>
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? <topic> Nacho cheese. </topic>
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? <topic> Quatro sinko. </topic>
What do you call it when worms take over the world? <topic> Global Worming. </topic>
What do you call Santa's helpers? <topic> Subordinate Clauses. </topic>
What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? <topic> A receding hareline. </topic>
What do you get from a pampered cow? <topic> Spoiled milk. </topic>
What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower? <topic> Shredded tweet. </topic>
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? <topic> A dog that runs for help ... after he bites your leg off. </topic>
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? <topic> Frostbite. </topic>
What do you get when you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo? <topic> An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets. </topic>
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? <topic> A pachydermatologist. </topic>
What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? <topic> Hot cross bunnies. </topic>
What do you get when you have a cow and a duck? <topic> Milk and quackers. </topic>
What do you get when you play a country music song backward? <topic> You get your wife back, you get your job back, you stop drinking ... </topic>
What do you use to redecorate a baby's bathroom? <topic> Infantile. </topic>
What does a dog get when it finishes obedience school? <topic> A pet degree. </topic>
What does it mean when the flag's at half mast at the post office? <topic> They're hiring. </topic>
What does the sun drink out of? <topic> Sunglasses. </topic>
What goes "klip klop, klip klop, klip klop, . . . BANG!!"? <topic> An Amish drive-by shooting. </topic>
What goes "moof"? <topic> A cow with buck teeth. </topic>
What goes "Tick tock, woof woof"? <topic> A watch dog. </topic>
What goes black and white, black and white, black and white, boom? <topic> A nun falling down the stairs. </topic>
What goes faster than a rabbit in a field? <topic> A rabbit in a blender. </topic>
What happens to illegally parked frogs? <topic> They get toad away. </topic>
What happens when a ghost haunts a theater? <topic> The actors get stage fright. </topic>
What has four legs, is big, green, furry, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? <topic> A pool table. </topic>
What has more lives than a cat? <topic> A frog. It croaks every night. </topic>
What insect does well in school? <topic> A spelling bee. </topic>
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? <topic> A celebrity roast. </topic>
What is a zebra? <topic> 26 sizes larger than "A" bra. </topic>
What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? <topic> Decomposing. </topic>
What is the biggest ant? <topic> An elephant. </topic>
What is the last thing a "Tickle Me Elmo" doll gets at the factory? <topic> Two test tickles. </topic>
What is three feet long? <topic> A yard. </topic>
What kind of bird can write? <topic> A penguin. </topic>
What kind of flowers grow in outer space? <topic> Sunflowers. </topic>
What kind of music do ghosts listen to? <topic> Sheet music. </topic>
What kind of necktie does a pig wear? <topic> A pigsty. </topic>
What kind of shoes do lazy people wear? <topic> Loafers. </topic>
What kind of shoes do snakes wear for swimming? <topic> Water mocassins. </topic>
What kind of tree has hands? <topic> A palm tree. </topic>
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? <topic> A nervous wreck. </topic>
What magazine do cats like to read? <topic> Good Mousekeeping. </topic>
What makes a bowling alley so quiet? <topic> You can hear a pin drop. </topic>
What time is it when the clock strikes 13? <topic> Time to get the clock fixed. </topic>
What type of fish play poker? <topic> Card sharks. </topic>
What would you get if you crossed a potato and a frog? <topic> A potatoad. </topic>
What would you get if you put a light bulb in a suit of armor? <topic> A knightlight. </topic>
What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? <topic> The flue. </topic>
What's green and red and goes 1000 miles an hour? <topic> A frog in a blender. </topic>
What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?" <topic> It's raining cats and dogs. </topic>
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? <topic> The taste. </topic>
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? <topic> Kids won't eat broccoli. </topic>
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? <topic> I don't know and I don't care. </topic>
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? <topic> Anyone can roast beef. </topic>
What's the saddest part of the day? <topic> Mourning. </topic>
When do you need to oil a mouse? <topic> When it squeaks. </topic>
Where did the vegetables go to get drunk? <topic> The Salad Bar. </topic>
Where do otters come from? <topic> Otter space. </topic>
Where do polar bears vote? <topic> The North Poll. </topic>
Where do you find a no legged dog? <topic> Right where you left him. </topic>
Where do you get virgin wool from? <topic> Ugly sheep. </topic>
Where do young dogs sleep when they camp out? <topic> In pup tents. </topic>
Where does a bird go when it loses its tail? <topic> The retail store. </topic>
Where does a one-armed man shop? <topic> At a second hand store. </topic>
Where does satisfaction come from? <topic> A satisfactory. </topic>
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? <topic> Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!! </topic>
Which day of the week is the best for a dental appointment? <topic> Toothday. </topic>
Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck? <topic> The tuna. The other two are crustaceans. </topic>
Which side of a dog has the most hair? <topic> The out side. </topic>
Who delivers puppies when the Vet isn't available? <topic> The mid woof. </topic>
Why are cowboy hats turned up at the sides? <topic> So three cowboys can ride in a pickup truck. </topic>
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? <topic> They all have phones. </topic>
Why can't a woman ask her brother for help? <topic> Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. </topic>
Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich? <topic> Because the poor had no money. </topic>
Why did the bald man put a bunny on his head? <topic> He wanted a full head of hare. </topic>
Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn't? <topic> Because he was a little more on. </topic>
Why did the bunnies go on strike? <topic> They wanted a raise in celery. </topic>
Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria? <topic> He heard children were half price. </topic>
Why did the chicken cross the playground? <topic> To get to the other slide. </topic>
Why did the chicken cross the road? <topic> To prove to the opossum it could be done. </topic>
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? <topic> Because there were no chickens in those times. </topic>
Why did the garbage look sad? <topic> Because it was down in the dumps. </topic>
Why did the hubcap fall asleep? <topic> Because it was tired. </topic>
Why did the Indian wear a wig? <topic> To keep his wigwam. </topic>
Why did the man put wheels on his rocking chair? <topic> He wanted to rock and roll. </topic>
Why did the pig cross the road? <topic> Because he was a road hog. </topic>
Why did the turtle cross the road? <topic> To get to the Shell station! </topic>
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test? <topic> To see if she was his type. </topic>
Why did Willie Nelson get hit by a car? <topic> He was playing on the road again. </topic>
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? <topic> They're trying to get away from the noise. </topic>
Why do bicycles fall over? <topic> Because they are two-tired. </topic>
Why do birds fly south for the winter? <topic> Because it's too far to walk. </topic>
Why do birds fly south for the winter? <topic> It's quicker than driving. </topic>
Why do cows wear bells? <topic> Because their horns don't work. </topic>
Why do elephants trumpet? <topic> They don't know how to play the violin. </topic>
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? <topic> Because they have big fingers. </topic>
Why does a turtle live in a shell? <topic> Because it can't afford an apartment. </topic>
Why don't fish play tennis? <topic> They might get caught in the net. </topic>
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A king's castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It works better if you plug it in.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Life's a bitch, then you die.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
Those who can't write, write help files.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol.
YTERM - A terminal program for queries.
I thank my lucky stars i'm not superstitious.
It is better to be brief than boring.
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
When you kill time, you murder success.
It's easier to get older that it is to get wiser.
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
It's only a game until you lose.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
It's not the money i want, it's the stuff.
It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
I've no idea what i'm doing out of bed.
I've seen the future. i can't afford it.
I've taken a vow of poverty. to annoy me, send money.
I can't give you brains, but i can give you a diploma.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
I didn't know it was impossible when i did it.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I get mail... i exist. or i get e-mail... i exist.
I had a life once... now i have a computer and a modem.
I have enough trouble single-tasking!
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I know karate, kung fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I like work; it fascinates me. i can sit and look at it for hours.
I wouldn't mind being poor if i had lots of money.
If i had my life to live over again, i'd make the same mistakes sooner.
(s)he who laughs last is probably your boss.
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
I think, therefore i am. i think. i was a banker, but lost interest.
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equal.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Is that a banana in your pocket, or you are happy to see me?
It's not how old you are but how you are old
How do you know it's summer in oregon? rain's warm!
Definition of luck: when preparation meets opportunity.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do not believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Do not let schooling get in the way of your education.
Save your money - someday it may be worth something.
Why worry about life? you won't survive it, anyway.
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die.
Everything is unimportant in some way.
Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
Famous last words - don't worry, i can handle it.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
No matter which way you ride, it's up hill and against the wind.
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
Parents never fully appreciate teachers until it rains all weekend.
To all virgins. thanks for nothing.
Pride is what we have...vanity is what others have.
Smile... things can always get worse.
Talk is cheap unless you hire a lawyer
Teamwork is vital... it gives you someone to blame.
Driving lesson one: shiny side up; rubber side down.
Go ahead, jump. 100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.
There's nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
We should go metric, every inch of the way.
Behind every successful woman-herself. never say no!
Old hippies never die, they just move to eugene.
It is not unlawful to be big and beautiful.
If you follow the others, you will always be behind.
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
Ignorance can be cured. stupidity is forever.
I'm easy to please... as long as i get my way.
I may not be perfect, but i'm always me!
I never met a chocolate i didn't like.
I used to have a handle on life. then it broke.
If god had intended man to smoke, he would have set him on fire!
If i can't fix it, it's not broken.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
I don't eat snails. i prefer fast food.
I just took an iq test. the results were negative.
If you think you have no faults, that makes one.
Cute and interesting are two different things.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly. liars get caught by the tale.
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them.
Light at the end of the tunnel? look out for that train.
Many of us have an excellent aim in life, but no ammunition.
Never leapfrog with a unicorn. never stand between a dog and a hydrant.
Never step in anything soft. questions, questions! does it ever end?!
There is intelligent life in the universe... it ignores us...
When you have a lot, you have many friends. when you have little, you
Have true friends.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
Unwritten laws cannot be erased.
You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.
You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
You have the right to remain silent... use it!
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'til noon.
You will never be younger than you are today.
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
Your kind words warm me on a winter day.
You're never a loser until you quit trying.
Youth is a gift of nature. age is a work of art.
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
I may be getting older, but i refuse grow up.
I never deny, i never contradict. i sometimes forget.
The road to success is always under construction.
I think. therefore i'm dangerous. i think...therefore i'm over qualified
I tried to think but nothing happened!
I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I will always love the false image i had of you.
If i can't fix it, it's probably dead.
I'd like to live like a poor person with lots of money.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.
Trapezoid - a device for catching zoids.
If you associate with the wise, you will become wise.
If you can't do it well, enjoy doing it badly
If you can't say anything nice, you probably don't have many friends.
I'm nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore i'm perfect!
I'm looking nice, my shadow's looking nice... what a team.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm very, very good at being very, very bad.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Imagination is the foundation of reality.
Immortality is my short-term goal in god we trust, all others pay cash.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
In youth we learn, in age we understand.
Insert new disk for drive c: press enter when ready.
Is there life before coffee? it is bad luck to be superstitious.
The rooster may crow, but the hen delivers.
Few women admit their age. few men act theirs.
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Love isn't love until you give it away..
Give me some chocolate and no one gets hurt!
Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.
Good judgment comes from experience. experience comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. laziness pays off now.
Middle age: when your age starts showing at your middle.
Having a good time can be deadly.
Heating with wood, you get warm twice: once chopping it, and once
Stacking it. when all else fails, lower your standards.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
When all else is lost, the future still remains.
When no one else cares, my computer still loves me!
When talking nonsense try not to be serious.
A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
Woman's mind is cleaner than man's; it changes more often.
Women are either hunting a husband, or hiding from him.
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Woman. zip... great program, no documentation!!!
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
Why should i grow up? this is more fun!
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
Who took the battery out of my pacemaker?!
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired!
It's hard to fly with eagles when you work with turkeys.
Lose weight - eat stuff you hate. shock me, say something intelligent!
Make someone happy today - mind your own business.
Men have many faults, women only two, all they say and all they do.
Women have many faults, men only two, all they say and all they do.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never underestimate the lack of taste of the buying public.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Sorry, my mind will be closed today.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Doing nothing makes you tired 'cause you can't take a break.
Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb?
Do it today, tomorrow it will be bad for your health or illegal.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you get a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Don't get discouraged... no one is perfect.
Stop talking! i'm out of aspirin!
Everything goes on sale... right after you buy it.
